On NBC: "Tonight you get Britain's biggest comedian, hosting the world's second biggest Awards show, on America’s third biggest network ... Oh it's fourth? It's fourth."
On the Golden Globes and Kim Kardashian: "For any of you that don’t know, the Golden Globes are like just the Oscars, but without all that esteem ...
The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton -- bit louder, bit trashier, bit drunker and more easily bought ... Allegedly! Nothing's been proved."
On Hosting Rules: "No profanity. That’s fine, I've got a huge vocabulary; No nudity. See that’s a shame cuz I've got a huge … vocabulary, but a tiny penis. It’s true, doesn’t matter, I don’t care, it works, don’t worry 'bout it, it’s fine; No smut or innuendo, and I'm not to libel anyone; and I mustn't mention Mel Gibson this year -- not his private life, his politics, his recent films, and especially not Jodie Foster's 'Beaver.' I haven't seen it myself, I've spoken to a lot of guys here, they haven’t seen it either. But that doesn’t mean it's not any good."
On Hollywood divorces: "Arnold and Maria, JLo and Marc, Ashton and Demi, Kim Kardashian and some guy no one’ll ever remember. He wasn’t around long. 72 days. A marriage that lasted 72 days. I've sat thru longer James Cameron acceptance speeches than that."
On Justin Bieber's paternity scandal: "Justin Bieber nearly had to take a paternity test. What a waste of a test that would have been. No, he's not the father. The only way that he could impregnate a girl was if he borrowed one of Martha Stewart's old turkey basters."
On "Boardwalk Empire," the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, and NBC: "'Boardwalk Empire,' I love that show, it's great. It's about a load of immigrants who came to America about 100 years ago and got involved in bribery and corruption and they worked their way up into high society … but enough about the Hollywood Foreign Press.
(The HFPA) do an awful lot for charity and are a non-profit organization ... just like NBC."
On Johnny Depp: "This time last year our first presenter was the biggest movie star on planet, but I insulted his film 'The Tourist,' causing his career to plummet so far that he was forced to work with me on my new show 'Life's Too Short' which premieres on HBO on Feb. the 19th. Please welcome the man who will wear literally anything Tim Burton tells him to ... Johnny Depp."
To Johnny Depp: "I want to ask you a question. And be honest. Are you on recreational drugs? I'm joking, that's not the question. And we all know the answer. Have you seen 'The Tourist' yet?"
On the crowd: "You're so much better than last year's audience. They had a stick up their (expletive)."
On Salma Hayek and Antonio Banderas: "They're ridiculously gorgeous specimens, they're extremely talented and probably very interesting ... I'm not sure, I couldn't understand a (expletive) word they said."
On Natalie Portman: "Last year she won both the Golden Globe and the Oscar for brilliant performance in 'Black Swan.' This year she took time out to have a baby, and consequently she’s been nominated for nothing ... Never put family first."
Not every celebrity took his jokes lying down. Madonna had her own comic moment on stage when she took jabs at the host, which sent him running. Watch the clip below:
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