Charlie Sheen’s Last Goddess Quit

“But I tiger warlock beamed her F18 receptor… Had to be the Vatican.”

Following in the snail trails of Bree Olson, Charlie Sheen’s final goddess Natalie Kenly has officially fled Clam Manor which is usually what happens when prostitutes get asked for a freebie. TMZ reports:

Sources close to Charlie tell TMZ, Natalie Kenly moved out last week — but hell hath no fury like a Warlock scorned … because we’re told, the actor DEMANDED she return the Mercedes he bought her.
According to sources close to the actor, Charlie brushed off the break-up, claiming it’s “not a common thing for the Masheen!”

Of course, if Charlie Sheen wants to come out of this not looking like a sad, broke drug addict who ranted his entire career away for a mangled poon buffet, he should consider drunkenly wrapping a Porsche around a tree at 130 mph because I’m pretty sure the same people who think he’s “winning” are the same ones who consider that an act of heroism. Or am I thinking of using your sphincter as a Hot Wheels track? Either way, they’ll still name a state holiday after him if I understand California law correctly. *runs finger along page* Yup, and buried next to Reagan. I’ll get the Lokos.